Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
Andy Warhol

Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.
Andy Warhol

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.
Ogden Nash

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
Ogden Nash

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
Ogden Nash

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Will Rogers

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.
Will Rogers

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
Will Rogers

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. Fields

Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
William Shakespeare

The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones.
William Shakespeare

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
William Shakespeare

If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.
William Shakespeare

There have been many great men that have flattered the people who ne'er loved them.
William Shakespeare

Faith, there hath been many great men that have flattered the people who ne'er loved them.
William Shakespeare

Maids want nothing but husbands, and when they have them, they want everything.
William Shakespeare