My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
Rodney Dangerfield

My mother's wonderful. To me she's perfection.
Michael Jackson

Elizabeth Taylor is gorgeous, beautiful, and she still is today, I'm crazy about her.
Michael Jackson

France has lost the battle but she has not lost the war.
Charles de Gaulle

I have tried to lift France out of the mud. But she will return to her errors and vomitings. I cannot prevent the French from being French.
Charles de Gaulle

Acting is the most minor of gifts. After all, Shirley Temple could do it when she was four.
Katharine Hepburn

Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her: but once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.
Voltaire

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.
Steve Martin

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Bob Hope

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
Bob Hope

An engaged woman is always more agreeable than a disengaged. She is satisfied with herself. Her cares are over, and she feels that she may exert all her powers of pleasing without suspicion. All is safe with a lady engaged; no harm can be done.
Jane Austen

Give a girl an education and introduce her properly into the world, and ten to one but she has the means of settling well, without further expense to anybody.
Jane Austen

A woman, especially, if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
Jane Austen