Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
Marilyn Monroe

The trouble with censors is that they worry if a girl has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn't any.
Marilyn Monroe

Wisdom I know is social. She seeks her fellows. But Beauty is jealous, and illy bears the presence of a rival.
Thomas Jefferson

In wartime, truth is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies.
Winston Churchill

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
Mark Twain

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
Mark Twain

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin

Nature cannot be tricked or cheated. She will give up to you the object of your struggles only after you have paid her price.
Napoleon Hill

Hear reason, or she'll make you feel her.
Benjamin Franklin

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.
Benjamin Franklin

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."
Bill Cosby

If a woman possesses manly virtues one should run away from her; and if she does not possess them she runs away from herself.
Friedrich Nietzsche

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
Erma Bombeck

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
Erma Bombeck

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
Erma Bombeck

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
Erma Bombeck

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields