A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
Tommy Cooper

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Tommy Cooper

There is no one, says another, whom fortune does not visit once in his life; but when she does not find him ready to receive her, she walks in at the door, and flies out at the window.
Charles de Montesquieu

The devil says I'm out, but the Lord says I'm safe.
Billy Sunday

In the end, I hope there's a little note somewhere that says I designed a good computer.
Steve Wozniak

Senator Kerry says he sees two Americas. It makes the whole thing mutual - America sees two John Kerrys.
Dick Cheney

Even if the last move did not succeed, the inner command says move again.
Seamus Heaney

Yes, some people say to me you're too skinny, but never a skinny person says that to me, only people who could lose a few pounds say that.
Karl Lagerfeld

When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.
Samuel Johnson

If an elderly but distinguished scientist says that something is possible, he is almost certainly right; but if he says that it is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
Arthur C. Clarke

When a man is treated like a beast, he says, 'After all, I'm human.' When he behaves like a beast, he says 'After all, I'm only human.'
Karl Kraus

There's nothing written in the Bible, Old or New testament, that says, "If you believe in Me, you ain't going to have no troubles."
Ray Charles

I have accepted fear as a part of life - specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back.
Erica Jong

I really like where Tony Robbins says that we're all hypnotized to see beauty this one specific way, and it's true.
Gwyneth Paltrow

I don't think anyone really says anything new.
James Taylor

The cynic says, "One man can't do anything." I say, "Only one man can do anything."
John W. Gardner

Bush is morally a universalist. For instance, he says the freedom is good, the same thing is good, all over the world. So in that sense he's a universalist.
Peter Singer

As the old saw says well: every end does not appear together with its beginning.
Herodotus

As a player, it says everything about you if you made the Hall of Fame. But, then again, boy... there's something about winning a Super Bowl.
Terry Bradshaw

I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the same.
Iris Murdoch