It is like we are obliged to assume that the government is only doing what it says it is doing.
James Bovard

It's a good thing I don't read everything Eddie says, or I'd be up in arms and not enjoying my life.
Sammy Hagar

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
Conan O'Brien

You can't do anything if a person says no. In such a case, there's nothing you can do - unlike the popular cliche that pressure is exerted, or that maybe an unwilling source is done away with.
Markus Wolf

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.
Conan O'Brien

The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.
Jay Leno

A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them.
Kathy Griffin

As the Republican platforms says, the welfare of the farmer is vital to that of the whole country.
William Howard Taft

I don't put myself on Jeff Beck's level, but I can relate to him when he says he'd rather be working on his car collection than playing the guitar.
Ritchie Blackmore

He who says he hates every kind of flattery, and says it in earnest, certainly does not yet know every kind of flattery.
Georg C. Lichtenberg

God created man in His own image, says the Bible; philosophers reverse the process: they create God in theirs.
Georg C. Lichtenberg

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.
Kin Hubbard

Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken of the Sea.'
Jessica Simpson

There's quite a lot of bad stuff written about me. My wife even says a lot of bad stuff about me. But she is wonderful.
Michael Caine

I was born in my parents' bedroom on January 16. The World Almanac says it was 1909. I say it was 1912. But what difference does it make as long as I feel 33?
Ethel Merman

I love children and I get along with them great. It's just that I believe if you're going to be a parent, there has to be something inside you that says, 'I want a family.' I don't feel that sense of urgency.
George Clooney

We must love one another, yes, yes, that's all true enough, but nothing says we have to like each other.
Peter De Vries

But if you really love to write and you really love to tell stories and you really love to draw, you just have to keep doing it no matter what anybody says.
William Joyce

Senator Kerry says he sees two Americas. It makes the whole thing mutual - America sees two John Kerrys.
Dick Cheney