A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield

But I will never stop helping and loving people the way Jesus said to.
Michael Jackson

Well Brooke, I've always liked her, and when I was little I used to stay with Diana Ross, me and my brothers stayed with her for years and I never said, but I always had a crush on her.
Michael Jackson

There are matters in the Bible, said to be done by the express commandment of God, that are shocking to humanity and to every idea we have of moral justice.
Thomas Paine

The Lord said 'let there be wheat' and Saskatchewan was born.
Stephen Leacock

How true Daddy's words were when he said: all children must look after their own upbringing. Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.
Anne Frank

Machines were, it may be said, the weapon employed by the capitalists to quell the revolt of specialized labor.
Karl Marx

A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day.
Emily Dickinson

It is said that the present is pregnant with the future.
Voltaire

The little may contrast with the great, in painting, but cannot be said to be contrary to it. Oppositions of colors contrast; but there are also colors contrary to each other, that is, which produce an ill effect because they shock the eye when brought very near it.
Voltaire

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Bob Hope

When a nominee for the Supreme Court, one of only nine lifetime appointments, makes an overtly brazen racist comment about tens of millions of American citizens, we don't need lectures. What we need to do is to confront her with what she said and what it says about her.
Rush Limbaugh

God is the great mysterious motivator of what we call nature, and it has often been said by philosophers, that nature is the will of God. And I prefer to say that nature is the only body of God that we shall ever see.
Frank Lloyd Wright

You are our dearly beloved brothers, and in a certain way, it could be said that you are our elder brothers.
Pope John Paul II