I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
Woody Allen

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Steven Wright

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx

I feel much freer now that I am certain the pope is the Antichrist.
Martin Luther

We used to wonder where war lived, what it was that made it so vile. And now we realize that we know where it lives... inside ourselves.
Albert Camus

The past is not dead, it is living in us, and will be alive in the future which we are now helping to make.
William Morris

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
Rodney Dangerfield

Things that I felt absolutely sure of but a few years ago, I do not believe now. This thought makes me see more clearly how foolish it would be to expect all men to agree with me.
Jim Rohn

Now, we put out a lot of carbon dioxide every year, over 26 billion tons. For each American, it's about 20 tons. For people in poor countries, it's less than one ton. It's an average of about five tons for everyone on the planet. And, somehow, we have to make changes that will bring that down to zero.
Bill Gates

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield

And by the way I don't object if people want to attack me, that's their right. All I'm suggesting that it's not going to be very effective and that people are going to get sick of it very fast. And the guys who attacked each other in the debates up to now, every single one of them have lost ground by attacking.
Newt Gingrich

And my point was one I think that you'd agree with, which is there's no room in America for a black racist, a Latino racist, or a white racist, or an Asian racist, or a Native American racist. Now, we're either color blind or we're not color blind.
Newt Gingrich