It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
Erma Bombeck

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
Erma Bombeck

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
Erma Bombeck

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Erma Bombeck

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
Erma Bombeck

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Erma Bombeck

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma Bombeck

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
Erma Bombeck

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Erma Bombeck

Never order food in excess of your body weight.
Erma Bombeck

I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
W. C. Fields

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields