No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.
H. L. Mencken

The only really happy folk are married women and single men.
H. L. Mencken

You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat.
Mike Tyson

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.
Bette Midler

It's hard for anybody who's been with me not to feel starved for affection when I'm making love to my ideas. Maybe it's not meant for me to settle down and be married.
Jim Carrey

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
Tim Allen

Well married a person has wings, poorly married shackles.
Henry Ward Beecher

When I decided to get married at 40, I couldn't find a dress with the modernity or sophistication I wanted. That's when I saw the opportunity for a wedding gown business.
Vera Wang

The closest I ever came to getting married was just before I started singing. In fact, my first record saved my neck.
Elvis Presley

When I get married, it'll be no secret.
Elvis Presley

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Johnny Carson

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
Johnny Carson

And in a marriage you can't TRY and be married. You're married or you're not married... as far as I'm concerned.
Ringo Starr

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
Jeff Foxworthy

The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don't know if I'll ever be as good a dad as my dad.
Adam Sandler

All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership.
Ann Landers

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Ann Landers

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
Ann Landers

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
Ann Landers

Never advise anyone to go to war or to get married. Write down the advice of him who loves you, though you like it not at present. He that has no children brings them up well.
Germaine Greer