Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Johnny Carson

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
Johnny Carson

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
H. L. Mencken

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
H. L. Mencken

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.
H. L. Mencken

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.
H. L. Mencken

The only really happy folk are married women and single men.
H. L. Mencken

I had arranged a birthday party for him and my children, who are all Aquarians. Instead, we got married. I ran out of excuses. It was just us and my children.
Diane von Furstenberg

Well married a person has wings, poorly married shackles.
Henry Ward Beecher

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
Tim Allen

What has the women's movement learned from Geraldine Ferraro's candidacy for vice president? Never get married.
Gloria Steinem

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
Jeff Foxworthy

The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don't know if I'll ever be as good a dad as my dad.
Adam Sandler

I've had an exciting time; I married for love and got a little money along with it.
Rose Kennedy

The closest I ever came to getting married was just before I started singing. In fact, my first record saved my neck.
Elvis Presley

When I get married, it'll be no secret.
Elvis Presley

Never advise anyone to go to war or to get married. Write down the advice of him who loves you, though you like it not at present. He that has no children brings them up well.
Germaine Greer

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
Red Skelton

I do not consider divorce an evil by any means. It is just as much a refuge for women married to brutal men as Canada was to the slaves of brutal masters.
Susan B. Anthony

On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case of a married couple falling in love after marriage, but on close examination it will be found that it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable.
Emma Goldman