I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
David Letterman

I mean when you come into the set at 7:30 in the morning and you come out of make-up and the first thing you know, the ladies start coming into our dressing rooms at 7:45.
Burt Ward

I never get involved with the ladies I work with.
Dirk Benedict

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips

I remember back when I was a kid there was a comic strip called Plastic Man. His body was elastic and he could make his extremities as long as he wanted. As a youngster I didn't fully appreciate. But I'm now thinking Plastic Man was probably pretty popular with the ladies.
Ben Affleck

I requested the gentlemen to put on their hats, and the ladies their shawls, to avoid catching cold, and then had the windows widely opened. This proceeding caused some astonishment and alarm at first; for the Americans generally have a dread of cold air.
George Combe

I sat through Ladies and Gentlemen, the Rolling Stones like three times at the Skyway when it came out.
Paul Westerberg

I shall not be satisfied unless I produce something which shall for a few days supersede the last fashionable novel on the tables of young ladies.
Thomas B. Macaulay

I think it kind of took being a character actor to kind of now enter into leading ladies.
Patricia Clarkson

I think it was a great moment for America to have two ladies on the podium.
Sarah Hughes

I think that tennis is a lady's sport, so we should look out there like ladies.
Anna Kournikova

I think these ladies, that group of 130 women, are going to make a difference in what goes on down there, because they're going to hold the locals' feet to the fire.
Lynn Westmoreland

I was a little doubtful about the propriety of going to the Mammoth Cave without a gentleman escort, but if two ladies travel alone they must have the courage of men.
Maria Mitchell

I'd love to learn to cook. I think the ladies like a guy who can cook. Also, there are lots of available ladies at cooking classes. Can you tell I'm single?
Will Estes

I'm interested in playing old ladies because I am becoming one. And I want to become a very good one!
Tyne Daly

I'm not confident with the ladies. I can't just ask someone out in a club. I'd like to say I'm a gentleman.
Christopher Parker

If a writer has to rob his mother, he will not hesitate: The "Ode on a Grecian Urn" is worth any number of old ladies.
William Faulkner

If particular care and attention is not paid to the ladies, we are determined to foment a rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any laws in which we have no voice, or representation.
Abigail Adams

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
Johnny Vegas

It's hard to do it because you gotta look people in the eye and tell 'em they're irresponsible and lazy. And who's gonna wanna do that? Because that's what poverty is, ladies and gentlemen. In this country, you can succeed if you get educated and work hard. Period. Period.
Bill O'Reilly