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I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night.
Jokes are grievances.
My last vivid boyhood fright from books came when I was 15; I was visiting my uncle and aunt in Greenwich, and, emboldened by my success with 'The Waste Land,' I opened their copy of 'Ulysses.' The whiff of death off those remorseless, closely written pages overpowered me. So: back to soluble mysteries, and jokes that were not cosmic.
When I was 14, I thought I was the coolest kid in school because I told everyone the jokes in FHM.
I think in my case, I had no choice but to have a good sense of humor. I grew up with my dad, Danny Thomas, and George Burns and Bob Hope and Milton Berle and Sid Caesar and all those guys were at our house all the time and telling jokes and making each other laugh.
A civil servant doesn't make jokes.
People make a lot of jokes about the empty nest. Let me tell you, it is no laughing matter. It is really hard.
But television, when I was doing it, was all about scoring. You had to make these jokes bang, do whatever you could to make the material really pop. And if it didn't, there was something wrong with the material, or with you.
When you've been doing comedy for forty years, you really do know most of the jokes. And even if you don't know a specific joke, you can pretty much guess what it's going to be.
Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.
Soon I learned that the worse the puns and jokes, the funnier they could be, if you knew how to deliver them.
I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.
I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.
Regular panelists on shows can be terrifying. They own that space, and many guest comics suspect they are favoured in the edit, while their own hilarious jokes end up being ejected into the ether.
If you were on the phone with me and Tommy right now, we would probably forget you were there, we'd just be cracking jokes. It's like Beavis and Butthead.
You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.
On Anzac Day, coffee and jokes with a Turk might be the most meaningful and fair dinkum dawn service you could possibly have.
Pulled pork jokes never get old.
I'd buy joke books and try doing them at school; I always had jokes. That would be my go-to thing at parties: I'd be able to get through them if I just told enough jokes. Otherwise, I wouldn't end up talking to anybody.
I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.
On 'Late Night,' it's like we're all in on the joke. That's what I wanted it to be. I'm not doing something sneaky. Inside jokes, I don't like those. We can all ride together, and everyone's on the same thing going, 'Aha, I know where you're going here.'
Making jokes is about the most wrong and stupid thing a bemused, middle-aged, white heterosexual Anglo Saxon sort of Celt Australian male can do these days.
I love the idea that we put in jokes the kids don't get. And that later, when they grow up and read a few books and go to college and watch the show again, they can get it on a completely different level.
You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.
I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
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