No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.
H. L. Mencken

Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on.
H. L. Mencken

The babe at first feeds upon the mother's bosom, but it is always on her heart.
Henry Ward Beecher

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Ambrose Bierce

Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is - it is her shadow.
Ambrose Bierce

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
Ambrose Bierce

Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.
Conan O'Brien

Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.
Marlene Dietrich

America took me into her bosom when there was no longer a country worthy of the name, but in my heart I am German - German in my soul.
Marlene Dietrich

Any woman who chooses to behave like a full human being should be warned that the armies of the status quo will treat her as something of a dirty joke. That's their natural and first weapon. She will need her sisterhood.
Gloria Steinem

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.
Jeff Foxworthy

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
Jeff Foxworthy

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
Jeff Foxworthy

Nature never did betray the heart that loved her.
William Wordsworth

Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.
Joyce Brothers

Enable every woman who can work to take her place on the labour front, under the principle of equal pay for equal work.
Mao Tse-Tung

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
Robin Williams

My mother insisted that her children read.
Jimmy Buffett

We cannot command Nature except by obeying her.
Francis Bacon

I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing "Maria" from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up.
Adam Sandler