When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright

By faithfulness we are collected and wound up into unity within ourselves, whereas we had been scattered abroad in multiplicity.
Saint Augustine

God had one son on earth without sin, but never one without suffering.
Saint Augustine

If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The reproduction of mankind is a great marvel and mystery. Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay.
Martin Luther

There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his.
Helen Keller

The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back of its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labor.
Albert Camus

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.
John Steinbeck

He had but one eye and the pocket of prejudice runs in favor of two.
Charles Dickens

There are strings in the human heart that had better not be vibrated.
Charles Dickens

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Groucho Marx

The men who followed Him were unique in their generation. They turned the world upside down because their hearts had been turned right side up. The world has never been the same.
Billy Graham

If we had more hell in the pulpit, we would have less hell in the pew.
Billy Graham