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Any time you got nothing to do - and lots of time to do it - come on up.
Mae West

Time, Nothing, Lots

I just got one last thing, I urge all of you, all of you, to enjoy your life, the precious moments you have. To spend each day with some laughter and some thought, to get you're emotions going.
Jim Valvano

Life, Laughter, Enjoy

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers

Wife, Real, Same

The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got.
Will Rogers

Time, Down, Dog

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
Bill Cosby

If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help... Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges. If you've got a business - you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen.
Barack Obama

Business, Successful, Help

Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second.
William James

Find, Enough, Far

No man ever got very high by pulling other people down. The intelligent merchant does not knock his competitors. The sensible worker does not work those who work with him. Don't knock your friends. Don't knock your enemies. Don't knock yourself.
Alfred Lord Tennyson

Work, Yourself, Him

I like to think my dad was easygoing and kind, and I think some of those things have been passed down. I am like him in a sense of being positive and hopeful. He was compassionate, and I've got a lot of that in me as well.
Joel Osteen

Positive, Dad, Him

We've got to get the gun out of the hands of people who are supposed to be on neighborhood watch.
Bill Cosby

Gun, Hands, Watch

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

Time, Enjoyed, Iron

When I was a boy if a girl got pregnant the shame was placed on her and the boy could get away.
Bill Cosby

Girl, Away, Her

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright

Water, Add, Powdered

You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is.
Will Rogers

Sometimes, Fruit, Limb

Al Qaeda is still a threat. We cannot pretend somehow that because Barack Hussein Obama got elected as president, suddenly everything is going to be OK.
Barack Obama

Everything, Cannot, President

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
Will Rogers

Government, Working, Whole

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright

Night, Last, Playing

I have known a vast quantity of nonsense talked about bad men not looking you in the face. Don't trust that conventional idea. Dishonesty will stare honesty out of countenance any day in the week, if there is anything to be got by it.
Charles Dickens

Trust, Men, Bad

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
Ernest Hemingway

Funny, Book, Write

I just think it is important that you realize , that you're the best in the world. Whether you are a Democrat or Republican or whether you're libertarian or whatever, you are the best. And we should not ever forget that. And when somebody does not do the job, we got to let them go.
Clint Eastwood

Best, Forget, Job

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Mitch Hedberg

Drunk, Rabbits, Carrots

It takes more than just a good looking body. You've got to have the heart and soul to go with it.
Epictetus

Good, Heart, Soul

Don't judge me. You wanna judge me, put on a black gown and get a gavel. Get in line with the rest of them that's about to judge me. I got court dates every other month. It's me against the world - that's how I feel.
Lil Wayne

Judge, Black, Put

I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.
Mae West

The day I'm inaugurated, this country looks at itself differently and the world looks at America differently. If you believe that we've got to heal America and we've got to repair our standing in the world, then I think my supporters believe that I am a messenger who can deliver that message around the world in a way that no other candidate can do.
Barack Obama

Country, America, Around

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Groucho Marx

Brain, Old, Year

Everybody's got plans... until they get hit.
Mike Tyson

Until, Everybody, Hit

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg

Sick, Caring, Lose

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.
Terry Pratchett

Waiting, Light, Wrong

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg

Live, Made, Wanted

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