I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
Groucho Marx

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
Steven Wright

I'm the type who'd be happy not going anywhere as long as I was sure I knew exactly what was happening at the places I wasn't going to. I'm the type who'd like to sit home and watch every party that I'm invited to on a monitor in my bedroom.
Andy Warhol

I never understood why when you died, you didn't just vanish, everything could just keep going on the way it was only you just wouldn't be there. I always thought I'd like my own tombstone to be blank. No epitaph, and no name. Well, actually, I'd like it to say 'figment.'
Andy Warhol

I suppose I have a really loose interpretation of "work," because I think that just being alive is so much work at something you don't always want to do. The machinery is always going. Even when you sleep.
Andy Warhol

Since people are going to be living longer and getting older, they'll just have to learn how to be babies longer.
Andy Warhol

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
Ogden Nash

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?
Will Rogers

Dad, I'm in some trouble. There's been an accident and you're going to hear all sorts of things about me from now on. Terrible things.
Edward Kennedy

There was no imminent threat. This was made up in Texas, announced in January to the Republican leadership that war was going to take place and was going to be good politically. This whole thing was a fraud.
Edward Kennedy

Always fall in with what you're asked to accept. Take what is given, and make it over your way. My aim in life has always been to hold my own with whatever's going. Not against: with.
Robert Frost

The chief reason for going to school is to get the impression fixed for life that there is a book side for everything.
Robert Frost

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Erma Bombeck

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Erma Bombeck

Everyone who achieves success in a great venture, solves each problem as they came to it. They helped themselves. And they were helped through powers known and unknown to them at the time they set out on their voyage. They keep going regardless of the obstacles they met.
W. Clement Stone

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg

All this talk about equality. The only thing people really have in common is that they are all going to die.
Bob Dylan