When I'm alone, I can sleep crossways in bed without an argument.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Henny Youngman

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers

I often think that a slightly exposed shoulder emerging from a long satin nightgown packs more sex than two naked bodies in bed.
Bette Davis

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
Bill Maher

More belongs to marriage than four legs in a bed.
Rainer Maria Rilke

Life is a corrupting process from the time a child learns to play his mother off against his father in the politics of when to go to bed; he who fears corruption fears life.
Saul Alinsky

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Emo Philips

When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads.
Ron Paul

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

I have lived and slept in the same bed with English countesses and Prussian farm women... no woman has excited passions among women more than I have.
Florence Nightingale

If they had a social gospel in the days of the prodigal son, somebody would have given him a bed and a sandwich and he never would have gone home.
Vance Havner

If you let a bully come in your front yard, he'll be on your porch the next day and the day after that he'll rape your wife in your own bed.
Lyndon B. Johnson

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
David Letterman

Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a colored pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling.
Gilbert K. Chesterton

My bed isn't made, I'm tired, I haven't slept well for two weeks. I haven't been laid in a month. I don't have a girlfriend. I have a warrant for my arrest.
Layne Staley

A man would prefer to come home to an unmade bed and a happy woman than to a neatly made bed and an angry woman.
Marlene Dietrich

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
Ambrose Bierce

I'll promise to go easier on drinking and to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They're too much fun.
Babe Ruth

Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.
Paris Hilton