I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Groucho Marx

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Groucho Marx

Dying is the most embarrassing thing that can ever happen to you, because someone's got to take care of all your details.
Andy Warhol

I suppose I have a really loose interpretation of "work," because I think that just being alive is so much work at something you don't always want to do. The machinery is always going. Even when you sleep.
Andy Warhol

People need to be made more aware of the need to work at learning how to live because life is so quick and sometimes it goes away too quickly.
Andy Warhol

I always wished I had died, and I still wish that, because I could have gotten the whole thing over with.
Andy Warhol

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
Erma Bombeck

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
Erma Bombeck

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
W. C. Fields

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg

We want to support our troops because they didn't make the decision to go there... but I don't think it should be open-ended. We ought to have a benchmark where the administration has to come back and give us a report.
Edward Kennedy