Quote of the Day
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One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.
How can anybody hate nurses? Nobody hates nurses. The only time you hate a nurse is when they're giving you an enema.
The only thing I really recommend, if you're starting out in stand-up is to not try to copy anybody else. You can be influenced by people. I was influenced by Steve Martin and Bob Newhart and Woody Allen, but I never tried to be someone else. I always tried to be myself. And the reason people are successful is they're unique.
The past is an old armchair in the attic, the present an ominous ticking sound, and the future is anybody's guess.
If you want to be certain, you should never get married. You should never change jobs. In fact, you might as well just stay home. Because I don't know anybody who is certain. That need to be certain is just procrastination.
We play a sport. It's a game. At the end of the day, that's all it is, is a game. It doesn't make you any better or any worse than anybody else. So by winning a game, you're no better. By losing a game, you're no worse. I think by keeping that mentality, it really keeps things in perspective for me to treat everybody the same.
I was already on pole, then by half a second and then one second and I just kept going. Suddenly I was nearly two seconds faster than anybody else, including my team mate with the same car.
I don't even have voice mail or answering machines anymore. I hate the phone, and I don't want to call anybody back. If I go to hell, it will be a small closet with a telephone in it, and I will be doomed and destined for eternity to return phone calls.
What is a coach? We are teachers. Educators. We have the same obligations as all teachers, except we probably have more influence over young people than anybody but their families. And, in a lot of cases, more than their families.
There are lots of people out there who think they know the truth about God and religion, but does anybody really know for sure? That's why the founding fathers built freedom of religious belief into the structure of this nation, so that everybody could make up their minds for themselves.
I don't think that anybody in any war thinks of themselves as a hero. The minute anybody presumes that they are heroes, they get their boots taken away from them and buried in the sand.
My cousin cleaned out a shotgun for me and let me carry it around the house, because he said, 'Anybody who knows anything about guns is going to know in a second if someone has held a gun before.' I didn't want to be that person. I wanted to be practiced.
Anybody who recognizes Israel will burn in the fire of the Islamic nation's fury.
Anybody that's got a problem with me is probably envious or wants to be me, and that's how I've always looked at it.
The most terrible fear that anybody should have is not war, is not a disease, not cancer or heart problems or food poisoning - it's a man or a woman without a sense of humor.
None of this was written to hurt anybody's feelings.
I never knowingly wanted to hurt anybody.
Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun.
I've never used one word of profanity in front of my wife, or my daughter, or my granddaughter... or anybody else's wife.
Success is always something completely different to people. I feel like I've succeeded, if I'm doing something that makes me happy and I'm not lying to anybody.
I don't have any reasons to be disrespectful or throw anybody under the bus.
I guess I'm the most successful man I know. I wouldn't trade places with anybody in the world.
In the countryside, litter doesn't have a friend. It doesn't have anybody who's saying, 'Wait a minute, this is really starting to get out of control.'
Diverting the internal traffic between the Writer as Angel of Light and the Writer as Hustler is that scribbling child in a grown-up body wondering if anybody is listening.
When anybody pays you to be creative, you're very lucky.
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