Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Woody Allen

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Woody Allen

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen