I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody Allen

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Woody Allen

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody Allen