I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.
Wilson Mizner

I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.
Wilson Mizner

If you count all your assets you always show a profit.
Wilson Mizner

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.
Wilson Mizner

In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.
Wilson Mizner

It is not in life, but in art that self-fulfillment is to be found.
Wilson Mizner

Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
Wilson Mizner

Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.
Wilson Mizner

Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.
Wilson Mizner

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
Wilson Mizner

The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.
Wilson Mizner

The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.
Wilson Mizner

The first hundred years are the hardest.
Wilson Mizner

The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.
Wilson Mizner

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.
Wilson Mizner

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
Wilson Mizner

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
Wilson Mizner

To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.
Wilson Mizner

When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it's research.
Wilson Mizner

You sparkle with larceny.
Wilson Mizner