A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. Fields

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
W. C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W. C. Fields

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
W. C. Fields

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
W. C. Fields

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
W. C. Fields


Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
W. C. Fields

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. Fields

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

I drink therefore I am.
W. C. Fields

I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields