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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
W. C. Fields
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W. C. Fields
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
W. C. Fields
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
W. C. Fields
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
W. C. Fields
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W. C. Fields
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
W. C. Fields
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. Fields
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
W. C. Fields
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. Fields
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W. C. Fields
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. Fields
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. Fields
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. Fields
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. Fields
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