Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
W. C. Fields

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W. C. Fields

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
W. C. Fields

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
W. C. Fields

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W. C. Fields

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
W. C. Fields

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
W. C. Fields

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. Fields

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W. C. Fields

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. Fields

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. Fields

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. Fields