I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields

I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
W. C. Fields

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. Fields

I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
W. C. Fields

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. Fields

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
W. C. Fields

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
W. C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W. C. Fields

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
W. C. Fields