An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent.
Tom Lehrer

Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
Tom Lehrer

Bad weather always looks worse through a window.
Tom Lehrer

Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.
Tom Lehrer

Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your .
Tom Lehrer

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.
Tom Lehrer

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
Tom Lehrer

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
Tom Lehrer

If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it.
Tom Lehrer

In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.'
Tom Lehrer


It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.
Tom Lehrer

It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.
Tom Lehrer

Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it.
Tom Lehrer

Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
Tom Lehrer

On my income tax 1040 it says "Check this box if you are blind." I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
Tom Lehrer

The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.
Tom Lehrer

Think as you work, for in the final analysis, your worth to your company comes not only in solving problems, but also in anticipating them.
Tom Lehrer

When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex.
Tom Lehrer