Tim Vine Quotes

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Tim Vine

Family, Dad, Brother

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
Tim Vine

Said, Gym, Teach

Velcro: what a rip-off.
Tim Vine

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
Tim Vine

Down, Thought, Said

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
Tim Vine

History, Book, Down

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine

Said, Swimming, Depends

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Tim Vine

Tell, Again, Holiday

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Tim Vine

Love, Trying, Small

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Tim Vine

Nice, Today, Said

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
Tim Vine

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine

Couple, Blow, Trick

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine

Home, Said, Voice

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''
Tim Vine

Great, Car, Give

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine

Night, Before, Fact

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
Tim Vine

Important, Writing, Able

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
Tim Vine

Beauty, Black, Dark

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
Tim Vine

Different, Else, Talk

For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.
Tim Vine

Life, Real, Pun

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.
Tim Vine

Love, Acting, Bonus

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine

Coffee, Keep, Write

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.
Tim Vine

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
Tim Vine

Rock, Someone, Play

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.
Tim Vine

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine

Story, Count, Narrative

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
Tim Vine

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Biography

Nationality: British

Born: March 4, 1967

Links

Find on Amazon: Tim Vine

Cite this Page: Citation

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