I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
Tim Vine

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
Tim Vine

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
Tim Vine

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Tim Vine

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
Tim Vine

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
Tim Vine

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Tim Vine

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine