My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Steven Wright

So, do you live around here often?
Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright

What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Steven Wright

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright