If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
Steven Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright