Quote of the Day
Steven Wright Quotes
- Page 4
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
How young can you die of old age?
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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