I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright