Steven Wright Quotes

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright

Car, While, Stop

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright

Night, Old, Last

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven Wright

Friend, Him, Makes

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright

Child, Kid, Eventually

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Steven Wright

Press, Notice, Permanent

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright

Long, Number, Argument

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Steven Wright

Black, Why, Whole

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright

Car, Play, Fast

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright

Second, Executive, Subliminal

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright

Thinking, Left, Fast

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright

Down, Street, Walking

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright

God, Acid, Dropped

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright

Tell, Joke, Nobody

Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright

Age, Die, Young

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright

Science, Die, Leaving

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright

Enough, Point, Decided

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright

Girl, Wonderful, She

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright

God, Down, Speeding

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright

Difference, Room

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: December 6, 1955

Links

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Cite this Page: Citation

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