Steven Wright Quotes

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Steven Wright

Home, Car, Leave

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Steven Wright

Rest, Drown, Swimmer

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright

Car, Stop, Gone

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Steven Wright

Past, Memories, Whenever

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright

Worry, Fast, Drive

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Steven Wright

Car, Friend, Friends

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright

Future, Off, Side

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright

Word, Dictionary

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright

Morning, Good, Mistakes

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright

Time, Put, Coffee

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Steven Wright

Down, Said, Door

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright

Asked, Washington, Whipped

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright

Keep, Seen, Perhaps

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright

Mind, Trying, Kept

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Steven Wright

Live, End, Dead

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
Steven Wright

Happen, Light, Turn

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright

Theory, Evolution, Adopted

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright

General, Store, Buy

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright

Work, Fire, Place

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright

Tired, Weather, Missing

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright

Car, Moving, Looks

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright

Hate, Night, Hand

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: December 6, 1955

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Cite this Page: Citation

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