I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Steven Wright

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.
Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright