Steven Wright Quotes

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

Funny, Afraid, Heights

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

Funny, Good, Live

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright

Birthday, Happy, Down

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

Humor, Time, Within

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright

Funny, Book, Writing

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright

Time, Breakfast, Restaurant

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright

Birthday, Fight, Same

What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright

Funny, Another, Word

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright

Idiot, Between, Fishing

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright

Life, Here, Off

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

Legal, Bad, Luck

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven Wright

Game, Wrong, Makes

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

Funny, Weren, Batteries

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Funny, Great, Live

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright

Night, Last, Playing

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright

Poetry, Thought, Reading

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright

Someone, Two, Thoughts

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright

Coffee, Employees, Breaks

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright

Live, Above, Apartment

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright

Happen, Ocean, Grow

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright

Water, Add, Powdered

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

While, Curiosity, Cat

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright

Car, Stop, Gone

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright

Here, Written, Map

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: December 6, 1955

Links

Find on Amazon: Steven Wright

Cite this Page: Citation

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