A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright


For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright