A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Spike Milligan

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Spike Milligan

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
Spike Milligan

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Spike Milligan

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
Spike Milligan

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Spike Milligan

I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Spike Milligan

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Spike Milligan

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
Spike Milligan

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
Spike Milligan

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
Spike Milligan

I'm a hero with coward's legs.
Spike Milligan

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Spike Milligan

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
Spike Milligan

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
Spike Milligan

It's all in the mind, you know.
Spike Milligan

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan