Fate was dealing from the bottom of the deck.
S. J. Perelman

He bit his lip in a manner which immediately awakened my maternal sympathy, and I helped him bite it.
S. J. Perelman

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
S. J. Perelman

I'll dispose of my teeth as I see fit, and after they've gone, I'll get along. I started off living on gruel, and by God, I can always go back to it again.
S. J. Perelman

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
S. J. Perelman

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
S. J. Perelman

The fact is that all of us have only one personality, and we wring it out like a dishtowel. You are what you are.
S. J. Perelman