Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Fat, Found

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield

Crazy, Said, Opinion

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Wife, Her

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield

Respect, Honest, Luck

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

Home, Girl, Said

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield

Time, Last, Drink

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Rodney Dangerfield

Pet, Family, Three

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield

Sports, Fight, Game

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield

Coming, Taking, Drinking

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield

Life, Age, Food

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield

Jealousy, Wife, May

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield

Said, Everyone, Ridiculous

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield

Wife, Dark, Light

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield

Face, Reading, Library

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage, Wife, Tough

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield

Morning, Put, Hear

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Rodney Dangerfield

God, Said, Ugly

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Family, Found

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield

Truth, Wife, Two

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
Rodney Dangerfield

Real, Tough, Put

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
Rodney Dangerfield

Mother, Used, Ugly

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield

Time, Father, Remember

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield

Dentist, Wear, Teeth

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Rodney Dangerfield

Parents, Kids, Looking

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney Dangerfield

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: November 22, 1921

Died: October 5, 2004

Links

Find on Amazon: Rodney Dangerfield

Cite this Page: Citation

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