Rita Rudner Quotes

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner

Marriage, Life, Love

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner

Love, Husband, Before

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner

Funny, Idea, Name

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner

Pet, Weird, Religious

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

Marriage, Men, Pain

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
Rita Rudner

Men, Stupid, Woman

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
Rita Rudner

Moving On, Love, Great

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Rita Rudner

Funny, Until, Started

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
Rita Rudner

Funny, Men, Car

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner

Woman, Two, Tough

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Rita Rudner

Mother, Live, Build

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Rita Rudner

Children, Last, Question

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Rita Rudner

Marriage, Husband, Child

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

Funny, Success, Marriage

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
Rita Rudner

Mother, Two, Three

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner

Respect, Humanity, Rich

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
Rita Rudner

Class, Mine, Ballet

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Rita Rudner

Medical, Until, Office

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner

Life, Great, Person

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
Rita Rudner

War, Fight, Country

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
Rita Rudner

Together, Down, Said

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
Rita Rudner

Women, Men, Night

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

Marriage, Men, Pain

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Rita Rudner

Women, God, Men

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: September 17, 1955

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