Phyllis Diller Quotes

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller

Half, Hour, Minute

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

Old, Blood, Type

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Phyllis Diller

Become, Wanted, Knew

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller

Someone, Old, Shoes

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller

Baseball, Kids, Weren

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller

Said, Three, Lady

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller

Yard, Ironing, Buried

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

Husband, Words, Short

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Phyllis Diller

Real, Him, Down

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

Work, Children, Advice

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

Age, Through, Old

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller

End, Bad, Matter

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
Phyllis Diller

Life, Real, Laugh

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller

Wedding, Picture, Dog

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller

Father, Used, Call

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Phyllis Diller

Career, Learn, Last

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

Him, Down, Keep

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: July 17, 1917

Died: August 20, 2012

Links

Find on Amazon: Phyllis Diller

Cite this Page: Citation

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