My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller