A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller