I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Mitch Hedberg

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Mitch Hedberg

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Mitch Hedberg

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg