I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Mitch Hedberg

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Mitch Hedberg

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Mitch Hedberg

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
Mitch Hedberg

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Mitch Hedberg

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg