Quote of the Day
Mitch Hedberg Quotes
- Page 2
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
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