Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg

Car, Tell, Coming

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg

Children, Book, Read

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg

Food, Cheese, Macaroni

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg

Once, Literal, Lift

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Mitch Hedberg

Someone, Saying, Away

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg

Forever, Dogs, Push

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg

Life, Women, Sex

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch Hedberg

Life, Thought, Whole

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Mitch Hedberg

Dangerous, Hands, Cocky

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg

Time, Someone, Else

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Mitch Hedberg

Drunk, Rabbits, Carrots

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg

Missing, Fingers, Nine

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg

Play, Sitting, Gambling

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Mitch Hedberg

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg

Funny, Amazing, Why

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Mitch Hedberg

Sorry, Here, Making

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg

Sick, Caring, Lose

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg

Good, Four, Wheels

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg

Time, Night, Last

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

Fingers, Whistle

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg

Live, Made, Wanted

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
Mitch Hedberg

Matter, Eat, Hungry

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg

Funny, Means, Dirty

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Mitch Hedberg

Friend, Said, Wanted

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: February 24, 1968

Died: March 30, 2005

Links

Find on Amazon: Mitch Hedberg

Cite this Page: Citation

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