Mitch Hedberg Quotes

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

Funny, Fake, Water

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg

Dreams, Sick, Ask

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg

Sorry, Become, Order

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg

Funny, Trap, Pancake

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg

Smart, Brain, Free

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg

Work, Good, Lost

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg

Down, Trying, Guy

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg

Business, Fire, Said

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Mitch Hedberg

Real, Hero, Down

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

Dating, Woman, Saying

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg

Great, Two, Eat

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg

Crazy, Understand, Imagine

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Mitch Hedberg

Morning, Night, Made

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg

Ultimate, Foot, Severed

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

Funny, Wanted, Water

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg

Show, Fish, Fishing

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg

Time, Good, Why

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg

Birthday, Wanted, Cake

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg

Long, Days, Ten

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg

Good, Matter, Depressing

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg

Funny, Down, Cause

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: February 24, 1968

Died: March 30, 2005

Links

Find on Amazon: Mitch Hedberg

Cite this Page: Citation

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