A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Milton Berle

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
Milton Berle

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
Milton Berle

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
Milton Berle

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
Milton Berle

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton Berle

Laughter is an instant vacation.
Milton Berle


Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
Milton Berle

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
Milton Berle

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Milton Berle

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Milton Berle