Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Mark Twain

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
Mark Twain

We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.
Mark Twain

We are all alike, on the inside.
Mark Twain

We have the best government that money can buy.
Mark Twain

What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
Mark Twain

What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
Mark Twain

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Mark Twain

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
Mark Twain

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.
Mark Twain

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
Mark Twain

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
Mark Twain

When in doubt tell the truth.
Mark Twain

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
Mark Twain

When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
Mark Twain

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
Mark Twain

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
Mark Twain

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Mark Twain