I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
Lewis Grizzard

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
Lewis Grizzard

If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Lewis Grizzard

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
Lewis Grizzard

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
Lewis Grizzard

Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
Lewis Grizzard

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.
Lewis Grizzard

The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wriggle and weasel out of one.
Lewis Grizzard

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'
Lewis Grizzard