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The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.
In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.
You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.
You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.
The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.
Usually I'm too tired to apologize.
Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.
One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.
Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun.
I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.
What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.
I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.
I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.
I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.
Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.
People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.
Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.
For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.
Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.
I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.
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