It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan Rivers

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers