Joan Rivers Quotes

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Joan Rivers

Diet, Clothes, Diets

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Joan Rivers

Respect, Sleep, Tell

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Joan Rivers

Stomach, Covers, Flabby

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan Rivers

Sex, Long, Since

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers

Beauty, Found, Ideal

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers

Group, Total, Therapy

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
Joan Rivers

Another, Needs, Boy

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Joan Rivers

Telephone, Chinese, Directory

I am furious about everything.
Joan Rivers

Everything, Furious

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
Joan Rivers

Smart, Through, Enough

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Joan Rivers

Else, Top, Strive

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers

War, Thought, Understand

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers

Beautiful, Girl, Female

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.
Joan Rivers

Black, Friends, Why

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
Joan Rivers

Life, God, Parents

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Joan Rivers

Funny, Old, Accept

Every television show you go on is a choice.
Joan Rivers

Show, Choice, Television

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
Joan Rivers

Rich, Her, Comedy

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
Joan Rivers

Good, Beginning, Tried

I hate reality shows that are not reality.
Joan Rivers

Hate, Reality, Shows

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
Joan Rivers

Wonderful, Once, Year

I just love acting.
Joan Rivers

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
Joan Rivers

Before, Show, Stage

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
Joan Rivers

Fool, Country, Child

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.
Joan Rivers

Good, Business, Totally

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: June 8, 1933

Links

Find on Amazon: Joan Rivers

Cite this Page: Citation

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