Joan Rivers Quotes

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

Funny, Baby, Knew

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers

Wisdom, Good, Wise

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers

God, History, Today

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers

Life, Mother, Husband

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers

Funny, Hate, Start

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

Funny, God, Put

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers

Fitness, Time, Consider

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Joan Rivers

Die, Body, Plastic

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

God, Put, Wanted

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
Joan Rivers

Hell, Said, Her

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers

Happiness, Money, Enough

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Joan Rivers

Equal, Partners, Forty

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
Joan Rivers

Work, Care, Book

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers

Wish, Plastic, Surgery

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers

Mistakes, Sleep, Woman

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Joan Rivers

Life, Good, Care

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Joan Rivers

Sex, Long, Since

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers

Funny, Stranger

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Joan Rivers

Diet, Clothes, Diets

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
Joan Rivers

Husband, Him, Wanted

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
Joan Rivers

Love, Pain, Husband

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers

Saying, Thinking, Else

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers

Thankful, God, Country

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
Joan Rivers

Accept, Methods

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: June 8, 1933

Links

Find on Amazon: Joan Rivers

Cite this Page: Citation

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