Add the "Quote of the Day" to Your Site or Blog - it's EASY!
Home - Quote Topics - Quote Keywords - Author Types - Author Nationalities Authors:    A  B  C  D  E  F  G  H  I  J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T  U  V  W  X  Y  Z
Web brainyquote.com

Joan Rivers Quotes

Type: Comedian Quotes Category: American Comedian Quotes Date of Birth: June 8, 1933 Nationality: American Find on Amazon: Joan Rivers Related Authors: Steven Wright Josh Billings Groucho Marx W. C. Fields Mitch Hedberg James Thurber Rodney Dangerfield George Carlin

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. Joan Rivers Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. Joan Rivers Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress. Joan Rivers Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. Joan Rivers Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. Joan Rivers Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'. Joan Rivers Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. Joan Rivers Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. Joan Rivers I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. Joan Rivers I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. Joan Rivers I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. Joan Rivers I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property." Joan Rivers I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. Joan Rivers I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds. Joan Rivers It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. Joan Rivers It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who. Joan Rivers My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. Joan Rivers My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. Joan Rivers Never floss with a stranger. Joan Rivers Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. Joan Rivers People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan Rivers She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. Joan Rivers Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. Joan Rivers The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found. Joan Rivers There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. Joan Rivers Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too. Joan Rivers Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan Rivers

Quotes    RSS Feeds        Copyright 2008 BrainyMedia.com	About Us Inquire Privacy Terms Copyright