A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
Joan Rivers

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Joan Rivers

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers


I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers