A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Jerry Seinfeld

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
Jerry Seinfeld

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Jerry Seinfeld

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Jerry Seinfeld

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
Jerry Seinfeld

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry Seinfeld

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Jerry Seinfeld

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
Jerry Seinfeld

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
Jerry Seinfeld